how to shave

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how to shave

whether you have a job interview coming up, an elegant ball to attend, or you are preparing for love’s first kiss, every man, woman, boy, and girl need to know how to shave at some point in their lives. 

but there are a few simple rules you need to follow if you plan to shave. your life and sanity could depend on it.

rule 1: the necessity of the shave. 

must you be clean shaven for your job? will your girlfriend break up with you if you don’t shave? do you have embarrassing patches or stringy whiskies that can only be seen in certain light? then shaving just might be for you

rule 2: the right tool for the job.

electric trimmers, multi blade razors, straight razors are all great ways to shave, depending on the length you want to sport. other options include bowie knife, death by fire, and tweezers (not recommended)… and finally

rule 3: accept the consequences of your shave.

consequences may include… being mistaken for a girl. razor burn that becomes infected, causing a red swollen abscess skin beard. or a common disease known as “cold face”, common in cooler climates. but this now brings us to the video above. 

my personal consequence was especially tragic, due to the size and severity of my mustache at the time. i had planned to shave quickly and in secret, so no one would be able to stop me. i enjoyed having the mustache, but it had recently become self aware. coming to life at night, and dragging my sleeping body across the floor to the fridge, grabbing leftovers and condiments and shoving them into my lower most face hole. after waking up choking on year old olive garden breadsticks dipped in pickle juice and halibut sauce, i decided it was time to kill it. BUT little did i know that… MYSELF FROM 6 SECONDS IN THE PAST WOULD TIME TRAVEL TO TRY AND STOP ME FROM RUINING MY LIFE BY ACTUALLY ENDING MY LIFE BUT SECONDS TOO LATE BECAUSE I GOT HALF OF MY MUSTACHE OFF BEFORE HE COULD STOP ME WHICH THEN CAUSED AN ENDLESS LOOP OF MYSELF SHAVING HALF OF MY MUSTACHE OFF AND MY OTHER SELVES REALIZING THEY ALSO NEEDED TO SHAVE WHICH THEN CAUSED MY OTHER SELVES TO TIME TRAVEL TO STOP MY OTHER SELVES FROM RUINING THEIR LIVES AND SO ON FOREVER AND EVER AMEN…

so be careful out there. i hope you learned something about how to shave! safe shaving!