So I was looking at anger this week and I ran across
a phrase that I've not heard before and it's IPV. IPV stands for intimate
personal violence. In other words a violence that is brought against someone by
someone they know in an intimate way. A domestic violence or violence from a
parent to child or child to a parent.
What's amazing about that is that happens once every 20
seconds in the United States of America. Happens 12 million times and that
doesn't count the folks who don't report it. That doesn't count other kinds of
violence, violence of a stranger to a stranger. It doesn't count verbal
violence, it doesn't count emotional violence.
We have a problem with anger in America. But it's not just
in that larger sense, it's not just in the criminal sense but also all of us
struggle with anger. Can we just get real about anger this week? That we all at
sometime get angry. How many of you were angry sometime this week? Would you
raise your hand with me, all right look at that okay good this is the right
Those of you who are watching us online I'm sure you're
raising your hand at home or angry that you couldn't be here today I don't
know. It wasn't too long ago that Marsha and I were
going somewhere and in the process of going we were running late but we needed
to get a bite to eat and so we just grabbed the first fast food place that was
on our way, and I won't tell you the name of the restaurant because I don't
wanna be critical of the restaurant.
But the guy who owns it his head looks like a ping pong
ball. So we pulled into the parking lot and
there was amazingly about 12 cars in line and I thought this is not gonna work.
So I said to Marsha I'm gonna run in, I think it will be quicker if I run in
and Marsha said no no no just stay in the car, it will be quicker if we stay in
the car and so I ran into the restaurant.
And when I got in I knew there was
a problem because there we two people in front of me, the greater problem there
was nobody behind the counter. And so I stood there for a while and nobody was
doing anything. Finally somebody in the kitchen noticed that there was no one
behind the counter and said, there's nobody behind the counter.
And then so a guy who was doing the fries stepped over the
counter and I thought, well good, we'll make some progress here. Apparently he
had never stood before the cash register before and it didn't get any better.
Then finally the guy who was supposed to be behind the counter who was taking
the trash out came in and the fry guy went back for the fries and I thought
okay now we can make some progress, he knew less about the cash register than
the fry guy.
Well you can imagine what's happening, I am seething, I am
getting angry and I am thinking to myself, okay I just had a moment of self
awareness. I'm thinking, I am really mad. Why am I mad about a fast food place?
And then I realize, because it wasn't fast. Besides
that Marsha was waiting in the car with a I told you so.
All right? Have you been there?
We've all been there, haven't we? So I want us to talk anger today if you have
a Bible with you I invite you to turn with me to Ephesians the fourth chapter
and we are gonna look at a scripture there and a few other scriptures. If you
don't happen to have a Bible I invite you to look there on the back of your
worship guide it's listed there, for convenience and it'll be on the screen as
Ephesians the forth chapter Paul is writing and as he writes
these words he says therefore lay aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you
with his neighbor for we are members of one another. Be angry and yet do not
sin do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an
Now this is a very interesting scripture I remember years
and years ago when I read it for the very first time it kind of surprised me
because here is a command in the Bible to be angry and what it's saying is that
once you get there just be there. Once you are there, there is not a whole lot
that you can do about it.
It's kinda like when you have a cold it doesn't matter if
you caught a cold because you didn't wash your hands enough or you were around
places and you weren't careful or if it were that somebody walked up and
surprised you and sneezed on you. It doesn't matter whose fault it is if you
are there then have a cold.
But if you're gonna have a cold then do it in a God honoring
way he says that if you're gonna be angry then at least make sure you don't do
a lot of damage with that anger, process your anger. And so I want us to talk
about how to process our anger and by the way later on we're gonna read a
scripture from James that says the anger of man does not accomplish the
rightness of God or the righteousness of God.
There is a righteous anger. It's when we are angry about the
things that God is angry about. You remember when Jesus came into the temple
and there were some money changers that were cheating the foreigners who were
there who came to sacrifice to God and they were cheating them in exchange of
And Jesus got angry about that. And it was a righteous
indignation. You remember that he turned over money tables and he took a whip
and he ran those people out of the temple and he said this is supposed to be a
place of prayer and you've made it a den of thieves. And so it's okay to be
angry sometimes, sometimes the angry is a righteous anger but even righteous
anger can be displayed and processed in an unrighteous way.
And so when we find ourselves angry and by the show of hands
this morning we find ourselves there on a fairly regular basis don't we? When
we find ourselves, sometimes it surprises, it sneaks up on us and all of a
sudden we are overwhelmed by a tsunami of emotions and once we get our feet
out, get our feet under us again and we realize okay, self awareness, I'm
angry, what do we do to honor God in that anger? And that's what we wanna look
How to Deal with Anger
I wanna talk about the ABCs of anger. Les Carter who has
written extensively on this subject has an anger work book interesting enough
and in that anger work book he talks about three ways that we process anger
that's unbiblical and two ways that we can process anger that is biblical.
I want us to look at all five. First of all, one of the ways
that we process anger in an unbiblical way is when we suppress our anger or
other suppression. And suppression is when we deny the fact that we are angry.
You know I think sometimes as Christians we think we are not allowed to be
angry and so when it happens we just pretend we are not.
We just suppress that anger we say well I'm not supposed to
feel that way so I'm just gonna not deal with it, I'm not gonna ask any
questions, I'm not going to probe and that the problem with that is that anger
is like toxic waste, it has very long half life. It doesn't go away.
It's either gonna make you physically ill or emotionally ill
or many times what happens is it comes out in the most inappropriate ways
towards the most inappropriate people. So if you are angry you just keep
pushing it down you keep ignoring it you keep staying in denial it's not going
to go anywhere and it will eventually leak out.
And then when it leaks out you can't even remember the
source of it so you can't really process it, it just happens. And so one of the
ways that we want to not deal with our anger is just to push it down and say,
well, I'm not allowed to be angry. Another unbiblical way is open aggression
and that's usually what we think of, isn't it? When we think of people being
angry is when they power up, when they pursue self-preservation at the cost or
the expense of others.
Usually when there's a crisis, we have a tendency to have a
flight or fight instinct and this is where you choose the fight part. Well, I'm
gonna hurt somebody else 'cause I've been hurt, I'm gonna hurt somebody else so
I don't get hurt. And obviously that's not a biblical response.
Another is passive aggression. Passive aggression is not
like denial or suppression, it's not when you're unaware of your anger because
you're pretending like it's not there, you know very well it's there, you just
decide to be aggressive in a passive way. This is a person who's, when they're
angry and they're banging around sending a message by Morse Code in the kitchen
with pots and pans, and you ask them, is there anything wrong? They say, no!
Or, what's wrong? Nothing.
And it's very very clear that they're upset, but they're not
going to state why they're upset because that exposes them and they have to
deal with the issue and they are in the process of punishing with silence or
with pouting. Of course there's something wrong. I'm sending every signal to
you that something's wrong but I'm not about to tell you what's wrong 'cause
you might apologize and I'm not finished punishing you yet.
That's passive aggression. Passive aggression is where
someone will still be in the room and be in the relationship but they
participate halfheartedly to express their anger. Or it's a person who will not
tell you what's wrong but they will tell everyone else what you've done wrong,
behind your back, in excruciating detail.
Now those are just three examples of unbiblical response to
the anger that we sometimes find ourselves in. But what are some of the
biblical responses? One is to be assertive. Usually, sometimes when we see the
word assertive we think of it as being a negative person, very assertive.
But this is simply about drawing boundaries. Henry Cloud has
written a wonderful book called Boundaries. It was so successful that his
publishers pushed him to write boundaries in this relationship, boundaries for
this, boundaries for cats, boundaries for dogs, but all of them are good books.
It basically says that sometimes you have to assert
yourself. The Bible says we are to love others as we love ourselves and we love
ourselves sometimes we set boundaries. It's a mom saying you know what I've got
kids, I have given a whole lot for you this week, I'm gonna take 30 minutes and
I'm gonna take a nap and nobody better enter the room.
That's assertiveness and it's the right thing. It's a parent
setting boundaries for the children and saying you're not gonna hang out with
these people or this is gonna be your curfew or you're not gonna do this. You
are only gonna spend so much time on technology. That's a parent asserting
themselves, setting some standards or boundaries, it's a spouse saying I love
you very much and I'm not gonna stop loving you.
But I'm telling you that when you do this it hurts me. And
we'll draw a line there I'm not gonna allow that because that's not proper self
love for myself. And again I'm not gonna retaliate but you need to understand
that when you do this it's going to affect our relationship. I don't want it to
do that, I don't wanna be angry with you but this is not reasonable.
It's a grown child saying to their parents, no I'm 50 years
old now you're not gonna set a curfew for me and you're not gonna tell me where
I spend thanksgiving and you're not gonna, I need to set some boundaries here.
And it's okay to be assertive. Another proper response to anger as a christian
is to, acceptance.
You know there are sometimes we communicate clearly and the
person doesn't change or there is a situation that we cannot change and at some
point we stop saying why and we start saying what now. And we accept the fact
that we're going to have to either live with an irregular person or we have to
live with an irregular situation and we accept it.
Those of us who are perfectionists, obsessive compulsive
perfectionists, we come to the point to say you know what, that it's not
realistic to understand that everything is gonna go right in life. So I'm gonna
ask God for grace for this one. And I'm gonna turn a corner I'm gonna cool down
a bit I'm just gonna accept this and I'm gonna trust that God will meet my
needs in spite of that.
I remember when I was at that fast food restaurant and all
of the sudden I had an epiphany. I'm standing there and I'm realizing I'm mad
and its not really making sense for me to be mad and I'm thinking you know what
this is that fast food restaurant. What that means translated is everyone is
making minimum wage and everyone in here it's their first job they've ever have
in their life; this is not going to run smoothly.
And all of the sudden for the very first time in my life I
said fast food will most of the time not be fast. And I was just set free right
there in the middle of Jack in the Box. I started
laughing, inappropriately. Right there, in the middle of the restaurant. And I
was free for the first time in my life.
How to Control Anger
I was free when it came to fast food. I still had Marsha in
the car and I'm not over that yet but- I got acceptance on the
fast food thing. > A stands for acknowledge that you're
angry, and deal with it in an assertive way or a way with acceptance. That's
the A of the ABCs of anger.
B stands for backtrack. In James, the first chapter, there's
a wonderful scripture. It says, this you know my beloved brother, but everyone
must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger for the anger of man
does not achieve the righteousness of God. What the writer here is saying is
that when you do find that you're caught up in that anger, and it has this way
of speeding up, and everything starts moving a little faster, just slow down,
Begin to ask some questions about how you got to where you
are. Have some self understanding. In Proverbs it's said this way he who is
slow to anger has great understanding, that's what we are looking for here. But
he who is quick tempered exalts folly. Anger is a complex emotion many times
when there is anger there is a prior emotion that we are not comfortable
For example here is a little child and they are playing with
a toy and another child comes and touches their toy and many times you'll hear
that little child say no, mine. And if the child gets angry enough the child
may even hit the other child. What's really going on there it looks like anger
but what's going on there? There is a prior emotion that the child is not
comfortable with and what it is is fear.
Fear Leads to Anger
Fear many times is the primary emotion and anger is the
secondary emotion. The child is afraid that the other child is going to take
their toy home with them when they leave. The child is afraid that the other
child is going to have their toy and as a result they are not going to have
Now children aren't the only people who struggle with the
first emotion of fear, who jump over to the emotion of anger. Adults have that
problem too and we've had it for a long long time if you go all the way back to
the book of Genesis the first brother and sister. The first brothers rather is
Cain and Abel.
And God comes to Cain and Abel and tells them how to give
the sacrifice, and Abel gives a sacrifice that is accepted by God, Cain gives a
sacrifice that is not accepted by God. And that scares Cain. He's afraid that
his brother is gonna do better than him. He's afraid that God is gonna be
favoring his brother and so, that fear is not a comfortable emotion, so Abel
jumps over to anger.
Genesis the fourth chapter, listen to what the Lord says to
Cain, and the Lord said to Cain why are you angry? I'm gonna stop right there
he is saying, backtrack, take a step back Cain, it's important for you to
understand why you're angry. He goes on to say, and why has your countenance
fallen? You see, anger wasn't the first emotion, it was sadness, sadness that
his sacrifice had not been accepted by God, a sadness that was probably mixed
It goes on and says, if you do well will not your
countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the
door and it's desirous for you, but you must master it. What is He saying to
Cain? He says, back up! Ask the question why are you afraid? Why are you sad?
What has led you to this place of anger, 'cause if you don't understand it Cain
what happened is sin is crouching at the door.
You see Cain committed the first murder, it was the first
murder but it was the second emotion that took him there. It was his fear, it
was his sadness that caused him to be angry. So my question is what is it that
takes you over the edge? What fear is it that causes you to jump to anger? We
all know that water boils at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
What temperature do you stay at most of the time? Are you
right at the boiling point most of the time? Full disclosure here, I don't take
a nap very often during the day but every once a while if I take a nap during
the day, I wake up from that nap grouchy. I don't know why but it just affects
me that way.
And I wake up about 205 degrees. It doesn't take a whole lot
to cause me go boiling so you kinda wanna stay away from me if you wake me up
from a nap. Sad thing is some of us live at about 205 degrees Fahrenheit. It
didn't take a whole lot of disappointment, it doesn't take a whole lot of
rejection, it doesn't take a whole lot of strain or stress to take us over the
And why do some people live at that high temperature all the
time? Well for some it's because of the pace of life. They try to pack too much
in. They try to maximize too much and there is no room for error and they're
always running behind, and they're always under stress. Or maybe it's the
weight of their life right now and their particular situation.
What's going on at work, or maybe what's going on with their
health but that pace of life or the weight of responsibility has kept them at
that place. But the truth is they are responsible, for lowering their
temperature, for managing their own life in such a way. There are times when
you're in a season of life and you just need to stop doing everything else
because the particular season of life that you're in, calls on so much of you
that if you keep everything else, you keep all other plates spinning in your
life and try to handle that, you're gonna always be right there at the edge.
For other people it's unrealistic expectations and
unbiblical dependencies, we expect too much out of people. Have you ever said
this, you make me so mad. Here is the truth nobody can make you mad. Now you
can put them in a position in your life and deify them in such a way that you
are depending upon what they say and what they do or what they don't do so that
when they don't co-operate with you it makes you mad, but they don't make you
mad you made yourself mad by putting them in that position, does that make
sense? See there's what I call the expectation gap and up here you have reality.
And down here you have, let me do that
opposite down here you have reality. And up here you have
expectations. And the difference between the two, that's how mad you are gonna be. When it doesn't measure up, when the
circumstance or the person doesn't measure up.
Now, one of the things that we wanna do in this life is we
want to raise reality but no matter how much you raise reality there is gonna
be a gap between your reality and your expectations. Now here is what I would
say you can handle that much frustration, you can handle that much gap you can
not handle this much.
And by the way the way you raise the reality in your life is
you obey God. But we live in a fallen world and what you would like to happen
will never be exactly what happens. In the scripture in James the fourth
chapter in verse one it says this, what is the source of quarrels and conflict
among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members.
You lust, that's the expectation, what you want, what you're
desiring, over desiring is the word there. You lust and you do not have so you
commit murder. You are envious you cannot obtain so you fight and quarrel. You
do not have because you do not ask, don't miss that last phrase.
You do not have because you do not ask. The scripture says
that God will supply all of our needs according to the riches of Christ Jesus.
And one of the ways we figure out our needs is we come to God and we ask him to
meet our needs, and sometimes he says no. If he says no it means you don't need
Like a good parent who says you know what you're gonna be
okay, I'm gonna give you grace to live without that, or actually I'm gonna use
that situation to actually mold you into the image of Jesus Christ. But when we
start expecting people or circumstances to provide for us that which only God
can provide for us, that's when we get angry, that's when there's a gap between
our reality and our expectation.
Does that make sense? But some of us live at a high
temperature almost boiling it doesn't take up much to take us up there because
of unrealistic expectations and unbiblical dependency. Sometimes it's guilt
projection. If I have done something wrong, if I have not been right in a
circumstance, then one of the things that we learn fairly quickly is sometimes
the best defense is an offense.
Here's a guy that's been unfaithful in his marriage and all
of sudden strangely enough his wife can't do anything right. And he's picking
at her life and criticizing her all the time and what's really going on is that
he feels so guilty that instead of dealing with his own guilt he's projecting
that guilt upon her.
And so many times we get angry at work as an employee because
we're not the employee we should be, and so we're gonna blame the boss for not
being the boss that he's not. And it's guilt projection as a part of that.
Backtrack stands for stepping back and saying why am I so angry, what's really
going on here? And in the process of that you wanna ask some questions, you
wanna say this thing that I'm angry about is it really their problem or is it
mine? Sometimes in the process of that you will find that there are some things
that other people are doing that's tempting you to be angry and so then you
wanna ask another question, you wanna say what is it that I need to let this
person know, and how can I let them know in a God honoring way, which we're
gonna talk about in just a moment.
But you know most of the time when I'm angry, I find that
it's not just something I need for them to do, but many times it's a
combination. Yes I need for them to change or I want them to change but I
wouldn't be as angry if I didn't need to change something in me as well. A
stands for acknowledge your anger.
To be assertive when you need to, to accept it when it can't
change. B is for back track, C of the ABCs of anger is for communication. Look
at our scripture today, Ephesians 4:29-32 let's read that together that last
part of it. It says let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth but only
such a word is good for edification according to the need of the moment so that
it will give grace to those who hear.
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were
sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and
clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. Be kind to one
another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ has
Now we've talked about this particular passage in the past
so I'm not gonna spend a lot of time here but I think it's very important that
we note it, because when you are angry and you dealt with your stuff but you
still need to deal with some of their stuff it's important how we communicate
it not just that we communicate but how we communicate.
Communicate about Your Anger
What does the Bible say here? First of all it says there in
verse 25 that we are to speak the truth, in other words we are to be clear, you
can't just have people read your mind you have to be clear. If it's bad enough
for you to be angry about, it's bad enough for you to talk with them about it.
So you find a private place. I always find that it's good to
sit down and write out what I wanna say so I'm careful to communicate clearly.
It says second of all here in verse 29 that we are to put away clamor. We're to
put away slander, in other words, we're to speak in a calm way.
Not only clear but calm. If you throw punches, guess what?
Someone is gonna either duck and deny or they're gonna throw punches back. So
it's best not to throw punches. Just say, hey, listen, I wanna talk to you. Can
we sit down here in a private place? And I wanna let you now that I care a lot
about you and that's why I'm having this very hard discussion and I want you to
know I may be wrong about what I'm about to say but I believe it so I need to
say it to you.
When you did this I know you didn't mean to do this, love
always believes the best, but when you did this it affected me this way and I'd
like to talk about how maybe we could do that differently. A calm as well as
clear communication. The third thing it says there in verse 26 is he said,
don't let the sun go down on your anger in other words it needs to be current.
Sometimes when we begin to express our anger we get
historical and we talk about all the things that the person has ever done
against us and we do that as a defense mechanism to think that if we pile up
enough wrong doings of the other person, if we keep a list of those wrongs that
somehow we can over power them.
But friends, the purpose in communicating about our anger is
not to manipulate or to win, it's to clearly communicate and so we have to stay
current we have to talk about this situation not all the history of other
situations. It says in verse 29 that it also needs to be constructive, it says,
only say those words that are good for edification according to the need of the
Now that's a huge, huge standard there. Don't let any words
come out of your mouth that do not get us moving toward a solution. Not a
complaint but a request, not past but future and what you're saying does it get
you closer to a resolution or does it just dig up and punish and seek to win?
And then finally, and this is something I just saw recently
in verse 29. It says that it might give grace to those who hear it, needs to be
caring. See, it doesn't matter if it's clear, calm and current or constructive,
sorry for the alliteration but if it's not caring then nothing else matters.
If your purpose is not the golden rule to care for the other
person, let me put it this way. If you were wrong how would you want someone
who is angry with you, how would you want them to them to communicate to you,
than you're to communicate to the other person who has wronged you in the way
that you would want you to be communicate to if you were in that same
Last time you got angry was, are those descriptors of the
way you communicated, was it clear? Was it calm? Was it current? Was it
constructive? Was it caring? And I said we were looking at the ABCs of anger
but I'm going to go to D in fact we are all got time here I think we are gonna
go all the way to Z today.
Actually we are going to end with D. Decide what you want
what you want to achieve. When you are processing your anger what is the real
purpose here? What do you want to achieve? There is a matrix that I use that is
helpful to me when I think about my choices and accomplishing what I need to
And the matrix has two poles there is one pole that says I
have a high love of self and the Bible says that we are to love others as we
love ourselves so there is nothing wrong with having a high love for our self
if it's a proper biblical love. On the bottom of it is a low love for self, on
the left hand side it is a low regard, or low value of the relationship don't
really care about the relationship that much and then the other side is a high
regard for the relationship.
Now if I chose to have a low regard for myself and a low
regard for the relationship then what I'm gonna do is I'm just gonna avoid the
issue. I'm gonna suppress my anger, I'm gonna pretend like it's not there I'm
just gonna hope it goes away. And many times we find ourselves in that but what
happens is we don't help ourselves and we certainly don't help the
On the other hand if I have a high regard for the
relationship but I don't have a proper biblical self love, then what I'm going
to do all the time is that I'm gonna yield. I'm always gonna just let the other
person run over me I'm gonna let them have their way and friends this is
neither good really for the relationship or for self because the reality is
that the people that we are in relationship with they should not win all the
It's not healthy for them, it's not really loving them to
let them have their way all the time if they have crossed boundaries. In a
proper response to anger, anger is a symptom, anger tells you something else is
wrong. Anger is like the dash board and it says check engine. And that's what
we wanna backtrack and sometimes when we backtrack we find out the other person
has crossed a boundary.
And we don't just need to let them walk over us. We don't
need to just yield. There is the other quadrant here where we have a low regard
for the relationship but we have a high regard for ourselves and what we do
there is we just seek to win. And I'm gonna put win in parenthesis because
there really is no win.
When you power up on people because the reality is, you
might win that argument but guess what? You are gonna lose the relationship.
And friends there is nothing that we need more than relationships. It's the
most valuable thing in our lives. We lose that at the cost of what issue? Our
relationship with God is more important than anything else, our relationship
with one another and if we are always powering up when we get angry and always
winning, and always getting our way, we really lose even though we think we are
trying to win.
Here is where God wants us to dwell. Where we have a healthy
self love but we also have a high regard for what God says is the most
important thing in the world which is relationships. And we do what is
necessary to resolve the issue. And we resolve it by first of all acknowledging
that there is an issue, being assertive when we need to be assertive, accepting
when we need to accept, we backtrack and determine by God's Holy Spirit guiding
us, how much of the issue is our problem and how much it is for the other
person's problem, and then enter into the tunnel of chaos, and communicate and
stay in there.
With a clear and a calm, and a current, and a constructive,
in a carefully worded caring communication. But sometimes, even when you do
that, the other person doesn't respond the right way. But here's what I
believe. I believe that God will bless us, if that is our desire. If that's
where we want to end up.
See that's where God lives. God lives in this quadrant. Look
at verse 32 again. In verse 32 of Ephesians 4 it says and be kind to one
another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has also
forgiven you. The Bible talks about the wrath of God is revealed from heaven
against all ungodliness and against people who hold the truth in unrighteous
God was once angry at us and he sent Jesus Christ to
communicate in a clear way that there is a God who cares for us. To confront us
with our our sin but provide the necessary sacrifice so we could be reconciled
with him. And God wants all of us to handle our anger in the same way.
He wants us to process it in a honest and a caring and a
kind way. So if possible we can find ourselves in the place where God is,
that's where we wanna go. Let's thank God for that. Dear heavenly Father thank
you so much for our emotions and sometimes they get a little scary and
sometimes we don't really know what to do with them.
But Father we thank you for that dashboard to tell us when
something is wrong. Help us dear Father, give us humility to admit when what's
wrong is us and the boldness that when there is something wrong outside of us
to confront it but the gentleness to confront it in a way that would honor you
and to provide resolution that would bring glory to your name.
We pray all this in the precious name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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